JUST SNAPPED @littleswallowchinadoll

Warning: this one comes with graphic details

Tomorrow I should have been 12 weeks pregnant, and into the "safe" period for announcing to the world we were expecting our third little baby. But yesterday happened, and boy, I did NOT see that coming.

It's weird to write about this, but it is a memory I do want to keep - and I don't think people speak openly enough about miscarriage and how common it is. Although hopefully the majority of miscarriages are not quite so spectacularly dramatic.

I had a little bit of bleeding the couple of days prior, but nothing I thought to be too worried about, particularly since I had no pain. Cut to me having lunch with Ms K and saying "I can feel myself bleeding", then standing up to see blood on the chair and on my dress. 

Me: What do we do?
K: I have baby wipes! 
Thank god for the swiss army knife of parenting - she starts furiously blotting the stain on the chair.
Me: Should I buy maternity pads?
K: I'll go buy them, you shouldn't walk around
Me: Oh shiiiiit!

I cannot even describe how surreal it is to see blood literally start pouring down your legs and onto the floor. I actually can't believe I didn't pass out right then. Thankfully, while Ms K and I were still debating what to do while I furiously shoved ineffective stacks of paper towel up my skirt and Ms K attempted to clean the blood on the floor (honestly, you're not besties if you haven't cleaned up ALL possible bodily fluids for them), the lovely, slightly more logical cafe staff suggested we call an ambulance.

I am so grateful we live in a country with a great healthcare system. From the emergency operator, to the paramedics (Jonathan and Hamish) to my doctor in Emergency at the Royal North Shore (Lachlan), everyone was just amazing. AMAZING. Honest, calming, helpful, caring, and obviously just bloody good humans who have dedicated their lives to saving others.

It was not at all a pleasant experience, and it was (and will continue to be) a roller coaster of emotion, but I count myself lucky that I didn't have much pain, that it passed quickly over the course of the afternoon (and I was only passed out for a part of it!) and that I was surrounded by excellent people.

The first thing that really stuck with me was what Jonathan told me as he prepared me for the ride to hospital: the body is an amazing thing, capable of growing an entire perfect human - which means it also knows when things aren't right. It's nothing I could or could not have done.

And the second is what Lachlan told me when he came to explain what was going on: the first thing you want to know is if the baby is ok - but they can't tell us that, and unfortunately sometimes you have to wait days to know. It's a crappy, shitty thing that's happening, but their only priority is to make sure that I'm ok, not just now, but for the future too. Nothing that we do now will change what is happening with the baby.

It must be devastating to go through miscarriage before knowing you can have a baby at all. I have never felt luckier to have two healthy boys, and to be supported with friends and family who love us. 

So to all the mothers and fathers out there who have had to suffer the sadness of loss - my heart goes out to you. And to The Photographer's Diary who captured these beautiful family photos for us - all my love and thanks.