JUST SNAPPED @littleswallowchinadoll

Negative energy

Some days, you wake up and you get a bad feeling. You just know that today is just not going to be your day. And when that bad thing happens, you wonder - did it happen because it was always going to, or did you make it happen by expecting the worst?

Home sweet home

You wouldn't think you could suffer post holiday depression when you only had a week off - and half of it was spent on the plane! But I definitely am suffering. Just a sneak peek, enough to get the appetite for seeing new places going again...but here I am. Stuck at home. Mind you, there are a lot of places worse than home.

So my impending departure date now all comes down to dad. It seems so odd that he can appear perfectly normal (albeit a little slower and more fragile than usual) but be so sick on the inside. The doc says he has a one in five chance of avoiding a liver transplant, and he needs to see big improvements in the next couple of weeks. Come on dad, it's time to get better...

The little swallow in Tokyo

All alone

Back at home after a whirlwind Oz - Tokyo - London - Oz trip in less than a week. I've never envied business class as much as I did on my last leg between Bangkok and home. Oh how the other side live!

Saying goodbye to the hubby in London was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Leaving someone behind who has been my best friend and partner in life for the last five and a half years was so physically painful that it surprised me. You think you are prepared for things, that you've got used to the idea. But when reality hits, a whole other story unfolds.

Everything happens for a reason

Life is full of surprises, as the saying goes.

Three months ago, my run of luck ended:
  • my dad got sick and was admitted to hospital with liver failure
  • as a result I cancelled a volunteer placement in China and all subsequent travel plans to Canada and Central America
  • my pap smear came back abnormal and I had to undergo surgery
  • my husbands UK work visa didn't work out so I had to book to fly to London for 2 nights
  • we didn't read our visa restrictions properly and less than 48 hours before we were due to leave we had to reorganise our London flights for three days later
  • I caught a cold
  • and I was fleeced $230 for a meal that wouldn't have even counted as entree sized
But then again:
  • if my dad hadn't gotten sick I wouldn't have cancelled China
  • if I hadn't cancelled China I wouldn't have had a pap smear
  • if I hadn't had a pap smear I wouldn't have found out that I had the propensity to develop cancer...until maybe it would have been too late
  • if I hadn't read the visa restrictions we would have been turned away at Heathrow
  • if the hubby's work visa had been arranged I wouldn't be visiting Tokyo on the way to London
  • if I hadn't already had a cold I would probably catch one on the trip
  • and if I hadn't been ripped off, I wouldn't be able to justify the sky high Japanese prices by saying "this is a bargain, it's the same price as that crap meal I had!"

Sad but true

"...we all have wings, but some of us don't know why..." - INXS

A real eye opener

Last night I watched An Inconvenient Truth. Of course, it's only one film and I have to do more research before I blindly accept the facts presented, but it was a real shock to my system.

I've always been of a kind of humanitarian school of thought - where the environment, to me, was not as important to fix as all the issues we face as a human race - famine, war, disease. Attempting to help my fellow man has always been more my inclination.

But seeing the scientific facts put up there in black and white, and seeing the actual changes to the earth's landscape that have occurred over the last century really was an eye opener. After all, what's the good in saving people when there isn't enough world left for them to live in?

In the stars

Gotta love Cainer, he always seems right on the money to me (if you believe in this stuff).

"You have the option to take an easier route, but that's not your style. You revel in the challenge of the unknown. When you find a successful formula, you naturally feel obliged to alter it. And if something isn't broken, you know better than to fix it, but you may subconsciously decide to break it. Your life is full of drama, tension and change. It probably doesn't need to be so crazy, but it will turn out OK."

It's scary to think I might be subconsciously breaking things.

Advice is easier to give than take

My friend met a boy on the weekend. Not just any boy, the kind of person who makes you want to hold their hand forever and not let go. The kind of person that you can't say no to, because you don't want to be without them.

I don't believe that there is only one soulmate for a person, I think there are lots of people in the world that you can connect with on a level that nobody else feels or understands you on. Nor do I believe that you should necessarily spend the rest of your life with your soulmate - I think life partners can be completely different.

But as we talk, about the ups and the downs and the reasons why or why not, she says to me "I think the head can lead for years, but in the end the heart wins...but by then it's too late. You've wasted your life."

Turning point

In September last year, someone I knew changed my life. That person introduced me to The Alchemist.

There are a lot of different views people have about the book, but it certainly spoke to me and changed my way of thinking. The problem I think is making the move from just thinking to doing. And of course, that tiny little problem of knowing what your personal legend is.

But there are two things I really love in this book. One is realising that anyone who truly loves you wants the best for you and will wish you the best no matter what you decide to do. And the other is that if you want something enough, then the universe conspires to make it happen for you, because it's your "destiny" (for lack of a better word).

I try and keep these two things in the back of my mind always...but it's hard to deal with the reality of it all sometimes.

The most powerful motivator of all: Guilt

In his introduction to the 10th anniversary edition of the Alchemist, Paulo Coelho says:

"Oscar Wilde said: "Each man kills the thing he loves." And it's true. The mere possibilty of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far."

There are things in life you have to take responsiblity for, because you made certain choices and you took the steps that led you to where you are today. But where does that responsiblity end and where does responsibility for ensuring your own well-being come into play? At what point do you grasp the things that you most want, and hope that others who truly love you will support you all the way? Or is really human nature to let go of the things you truly want and love because you feel too guilty to have them when it could mean that everyone else around you doesn't?

Fast asleep

I went in for a day surgery prodecure today, a "loop diathermy of the cervix" (yes boys, run and hide). Basically, they got rid of the cells in my cervix that could develop into cancer later on in life.

What I found completely amazing though, was the anaesthetic. I've never had an operation before, and it was truly incredible how easy it was. The last thing I remember asking was whether I would have dreams, and assured that if I did they would only be good ones, I found myself being woken up forty minutes later (if that) from a lovely deep sleep. Bliss!

And of course, full credit to the absolutely wonderful staff at the San who were all friendly, helpful and attentive. People who dedicate their life work to helping others really should have more recognition (maybe I'm a little biased because mum is a nurse!).